Crawling out of this hole I call March is finally happening. I won’t say it has been easy and it has taken some extra sunshine, a couple extra visits with my doctor, some new medication, and support of family and friends. I am now able to see the hole behind me and process things.
During the first year after a loved one dies, for me, my husband, I hear people say…”just get through the first year,” “the first year is the hardest.” So, my first year, I worked hard to make sure I talked about my feelings of grief, journaled, blogged, cried a lot, made myself get out and do things, with the goal of making it “through the first year.”
Then March came, the year mark, and I found myself asking, “now what?” With the first year behind me, I stepped into a hole of trying to find an answer to what my future holds without my soulmate. I see old couples shopping at Lowes taking care of one another and think that will never be me. The dreams Todd and I had of retiring and camping all across the country are no longer possible. I started thinking too hard about things way beyond what was right in front of me, in the moment, and it took a toll. I didn’t feel like getting out and doing anything with anybody. Watched way too much TV but couldn’t even tell you exactly what I watched. I was waking up at 2 in the morning with heavy thoughts on my mind. I emailed my doctor one of those mornings, we chatted later that day, and I started a medication to help me pull through and get out of my hole. When I told my girls I was starting a new medicine they were glad. They started giving me examples of things I was doing, or not doing, that worried and concerned them. I quickly let them know to say something to me next time. (They didn’t want to hurt my feelings. ) I told them that Todd and I would share these observations with one another to avoid letting the “hole” get too big. They said they would share things from now on.
So, I continue on my journey with a sturdy ladder to get out of the hole. While I haven’t been motivated to write the blog lately, I am beginning to get in the right frame of mind and it feels good.
Check out Bec’s Travels on the blog to read about the first camping trip of the season, from where I am writing this post, in my camping chair, by the fire.